3-21-17: The Day My Entire World Changed

For months and months I have told myself I would write my birth story down. However, I would sit down, open my computer and stare at the screen. I wanted to do it. I wanted to share my experience with other moms or soon-to-be moms. But I just couldn't get myself to start. So, I made a goal to have it done by Hayden's first birthday. And, seeing as I am writing this 2 days before his first birthday, it has not been easy for me. It is long, so brace yourselves.

What you are about to read was my experience before, during, and after the birth of my sweet baby boy, Hayden. It was a very emotionally draining time in my life. These were my very real and very raw emotions during that time and I ask that you read this with an open mind and an open heart and respect my decisions as a mother. During that time, it literally felt as though my world and my life were put on hold. Time was passing by ever so slowly. I understand that others have had it worse than me and I do not discredit their experience. My feelings about this experience have since changed and, in hindsight, I was probably a bit more dramatic than I needed to be. But, nevertheless, my experience remains. It has the potential to be graphic, so....just warning you.

March 21, 2017: 38 weeks 3 days pregnant

The night before my water broke

2:30 am

Brian was flying to California at 6 am for a 24-hour business trip to film some stuff for his work. I had set my alarm for 3 am to ensure we would both wake up and get out the door by 4 am to head to the airport. However, after a restless night (typical for me at this stage in pregnancy), I was rudely awoken by my bladder (again, another common occurrence). As I got up and started walking to the bathroom, fluid started streaming down my legs. It was uncontrollable and it was A LOT. I actually laughed a little when I finally made it to the toilet. I had read several pregnancy blogs and articles about women peeing their pants in the last bit of pregnancy, I just never thought it would happen to me. But, as I sat on the toilet, I noticed that the fluid that was now all over the floor, was completely odorless and colorless. After thinking back to the many birth classes we took, I realized that this was not a normal bathroom experience. Nervously, I went back to the bedroom and woke Brian up. In a bit of shock, I said to him, "I know this is probably really terrible timing, but I am pretty sure my water just broke." He didn't seem too amused and said I probably just peed my pants. I agreed and tried to go about with our original plans of waking up and getting him to his flight. However, I didn't get very far as there was almost a steady flow of fluid streaming down my legs. At this point, we both agreed to call Labor and Delivery. Sure enough, the on call doctor said it sounded like my water broke and we should head on over.

Now, the hospital was in downtown Salt Lake City, about 30 minutes away. We didn't have anything packed and I was starting to freak out. So, we decided to take our time and make sure we remembered certain things. At this point, I was feeling good. The adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to get this show on the road.

4:30 am

We finally get in the car. Around 2 hours since my water broke. Being the control freak that I am, I insisted I drive so that way Brian could get on the phone with Jet Blue because at this point, there was no way he was about to get on that plane. I guess I didn't understand that me driving wasn't the smartest move, but hindsight is 20/20. When we got into the car, Brian remembered our birth class and how once I was in labor at the hospital, they most likely wouldn't let me eat. So, we decided to run through the Mc Donald's drive thru for a quick bite before I couldn't eat for who know's how many hours. At this point, I still have not felt a contraction.

5:15 am

We arrived at the hospital. We got to park in the dedicated "maternity patient" parking - something I was so excited about. We gathered up a couple back packs and walked into the hospital. I should mention, my water was still leaking, so it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world for me. But, we kept going. We got in the elevator and checked in to L&D at LDS Hospital. At this point, we were both pretty calm. I was in very good spirits. No contractions were happening. And a part of me was wondering if this was actually happening. In fact, when we were checking in, the nurse asked me why and who told me to come in. After I told her that my water had broke and the on-call doctor advised me to come, she promptly got us set up in a delivery room. It was now feeling a little more real. This whole time I was bracing myself. Waiting for contractions to kick in. After I got changed into the hospital gown, she checked my clothes and confirmed the presence of amniotic fluid. So, there was no going back. We were having a baby! They hooked me up to all the monitors and it was time to get this show on the road.

Now, this is where things get a little graphic and a little more real. A nurse came in because I wasn't having contractions so she wanted to check my cervix and see how dilated I was. I don't know about other moms, but getting my cervix checked was literally THE WORST. I cringed every time they did it. I think I even cried at one point. And to mine and everyone else's surprise, I was not dilated in the slightest. Not even a little bit. It was a little discouraging but mostly, I was impatient. And this meant that it might be a long while before anything happens.

After they checked my cervix (for the millionth time), things took a little turn. The baby's heartbeat was dropping and no contractions were happening. Which is not a good sign. Their thought was that he wasn't getting enough oxygen so they hooked me up with some oxygen of my own in hopes of getting his heart rate under control. I was so confused. His heart rate would be in the 140s-150s and then suddenly drop down into the 80s-90s. It scared me. But, I knew they were keeping a close eye on me so I tried my best not to worry. I was really trying hard to mentally prepare myself for the long hours ahead and thinking about labor and pushing and everything that I was about to go through.

Before I go on, and as I mentioned above, getting my cervix checked hurt like the dickens. But, worse than that, every time they checked my cervix, I would bleed. Not just a little. It would soak whatever was under me. I was completely terrified. Was this a normal thing? I had no idea (and still have no idea?).

6:00 am

The doctor came in again (after checking on me several times). But this time, when she came in, I could tell it wasn't going to be good news. She looked at the baby's heart rate and told me that with his heart rate dropping as low as it was without any contractions, the chances of him surviving labor and contractions, were very slim. She then told me he needed to come out because at this point, him being inside me was worse than him outside of me. So, with calmness in her voice, she told me she wanted to get me prepped for a c-section. She said "this isn't an emergent situation, but it is urgent and we need to do this within the next few minutes." My heart just broke. My nerves and excitement quickly turned to fear. There was not a second to think about my options, because in my mind, there were no options. I was about to undergo major surgery...awake. They got Brian suited up in his gown and cap. Seconds later, the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me about what he was going to do. He talked to me about a spinal tap because it would numb me up a lot quicker than whatever the other option was. His next question to me was "have you eaten anything recently?" Well, now I felt so dumb for going to Mc Donald's. After I told him that, he told me I would surely throw up but that it was normal and we would deal with it when it happened. Then he asked me if I felt comfortable to walk to the OR room. Which I did (because I still hadn't felt a single contraction). So, I hopped out of the bed and started my walk. Well, I got about 3 steps from the bed when huge blood clots just dropped right to the floor. Poor Brian was probably so disgusted. Looks like I wasn't going to make this walk down the hall. So, they put me back into bed and wheeled me away.

6:45 am

As we reached the OR room, beyond the "sterile environment" signs, I was hit with the shocking, ice cold air. Seriously. It was FREEZING in that room. They transferred me onto the table and I sat there, with my legs dangling off the side of the table, about to get a huge needle stuck in my back. I don't remember much about the spinal tap. I don't remember being afraid or it being painful. I just remember laying on my back and getting really warm (which was nice in that freezing room). It was the weirdest feeling. First my mid section got warm, then it just trickled down to my toes. Every once in a while, the anesthesiologist would poke me in certain spots to see if I was numb yet. I remember being so scared when he was doing that. Imagine someone using a feather to tickle you to see if you were numb before they sliced you open! He literally used this little paint brush type thing. So in my head I kept thinking, "wait...I don't know if I can feel that! Maybe I can? Are you sure I'm numb?" It was terrifying.

My OB finally arrived and, with Brian at my side, she begins the surgery. I laid there, waiting and waiting. I finally felt some tugging and asked her if she was starting. Apparently she was already elbow deep in my abdomen.

7:02 am

The first picture I saw of Hayden

Within moments, she pulls him out and holds him up. No sooner than when she held him up, he was whisked away through a little window in the wall. With tears streaming down my face, Brian turned to me and said "do you want me to go with him?" Of course I did and he quickly ran out to be with our sweet baby boy. So, there I was. Laying open on the table. Listening and waiting to hear that first cry. It took a few seconds but I soon heard that glorious sound and all I could say was "Awww, oh my gosh!" over and over and over again. I couldn't believe it. He was here!

My journey on the table was not over yet. I started to shake like crazy! Well, only my upper half. I was so anxious to be done and to hold that little boy. I have watched a lot of birth stories and shows that have c-sections in them and in each of those scenarios, the husband walks over with the baby and places him on the mother's chest. I was waiting for this moment. I kept listening for Brian's voice of someone to tell me his weight or hear how cute he was. But that moment never came. I think I was constantly asking my OB if she was close to being done. The smell of my burning flesh resonated within my soul. I don't remember a lot of what happened at this point. But it felt as though it was taking hours to close me up.

Finally after an hour of being in that room, it was finished. I was done. As they transferred me onto the gurney, I sat up, looking through the small window at my little baby boy. My OB, myself, and Brian were all anxiously awaiting his weight.

4 lbs 11 oz, 19 inches long. He was SMALL.

I was rolled back to the recovery room, where I waited to hear any news on my baby. Brian finally came in and told me that he was having a little trouble breathing but he was okay. I was so relieved. They brought me some papers to sign, but it seemed almost impossible because of how much I was shaking.

The first time I held him

After several hours, maybe 6 or so, I could finally feel my legs and was given the okay to go visit my little baby (nameless at this point) in the Special Care Unit on the opposite side of the maternity ward. I was determined to walk. So, with Brian, a nurse, and a wheelchair to push, I walked down the hall. I don't remember feeling pain. I remember walking super slow, but I don't remember it hurting. As I approached the room, I rolled up to my sweet boy, looked in his eyes then looked at Brian. He was a Hayden. 100% Hayden. It was so clear to me. He had a cpap machine on his face to help him breathe as well as IVs in his arms. But, he was alive. And he was perfect. It was at this point where I got to hold him for the very first time. My heart melted. My life, from that point on, was forever changed. Never did I realize how much I could love such a tiny human. But it was effortless and unconditional.

Special Care Unit and the NICU

Because Hayden was so tiny when he was born, he had a variety of problems. It started off with some breathing issues, but that quickly resolved itself within a day. After this, I found out he had extremely low sugar levels. I think his were between 10-20 when they should be upwards of 100. So he was given sugar water and dextose (basically the same thing as sugar water but through an IV) to keep his levels up. However, when we were at LDS hospital, the amount of Dextrose they could give him, was apparently very limited. Not only that, but his platelet count had also started to drop. Both Hayden and I spent 2 days at this hospital. They tried all sorts of things to get his levels up, but ultimately what they were doing wasn't working. So, the news was broken to me that he needed more than they could give him and he needed to be transferred to a different hospital that had better tools to help him.

Getting ready to be transferred

When they rolled Hayden into my room like this, I literally broke out into tears. This was the Life Flight Team. And I was completely terrified. I had just had major surgery, and although I was feeling great, I was scared to be in a completely different hospital than my new baby. I had only been here two days and I knew that their protocol was minimum 4 days post c section. So, did this mean I would be here for 2 more days without the ability to see my child or try and nurse him? It was such a terrible feeling. They ended up calling my OB. She came to inspect my incision and look at the staples. She assessed my movement and pain levels. Because I wasn't on any pain meds and was up and walking with no problems, she gave me the O.K to be discharged 2 days early to go be with my baby. I still had staples inside me (normally they remove these before you leave the hospital) but she told me I could come back within the week to get those removed. Luckily, the staples didn't hurt. The only thing that hurt was when occasionally they would snag on my clothes or those gigantic underwear they give you. Thankfully, a very smart nurse gave me some little tricks. I just covered the staples with a huge  feminine pad and wrapped the belly band as tight as I could. Then I could move as freely as I wanted. It was genius!

Brian and I quickly packed our things and headed to the Intermountain Medical Center in Murray, UT. Here, they had great NICU where Hayden would be able to get the best care possible. But of course, not without the roller coaster they send you on. Seriously, this was the worst time in my life. Not only was I battling recovery from a c-section, but having a tiny baby with some problems sent me into a little bit of postpartum depression. I won't focus a lot on that. It wasn't a pleasant time in my life. It is not something I want to re-kindle. But just know, that if you are going through it, or have gone through it, there are millions who have been in the same boat as you.

The minute Brian and I arrived at IMC, we were escorted into his NICU room only to see a team of doctors surrounding him. Apparently, when he arrived, they tried to administer a central line in through his umbilical cord. Well, it didn't work. The nurse that was in there was holding gauze on his little stump and said that when they tried to do it, his cord continuously spouted out blood. Like, it shot out like a fountain, she said. GREAT. Exactly what I wanted to hear to start out in a new place. No one seemed in a rush and no one seemed like it was a huge deal, so I just tried to hold onto that. At this time, another doctor came in to talk to me about his platelet levels. They said they wanted to wait and see how they held out through the night, but had me sign the papers for a platelet transfusion just in case they needed to do it in the middle of the night. That first night, Brian and I stayed in the little parent care room they had nearby the NICU. It was basically like a really crappy hotel room. There was a bed, a fridge, a pump and a bathroom. Oh, and a TV that didn't work. And a phone of course. At this point, I was pumping around the clock. Every 2-3 hours, on the dot. It was pretty terrible. I would pump and pump and hardly get anything, then label and freeze/refrigerate it and bring it in. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. However,  when we stayed in the hospital, the nurses would call our room and wake me up every time he needed to be fed. He had a feeding tube in and took most of his feeds through the tube, but they wanted me to try and get him to latch so I could be successful with breastfeeding. This was a struggle in and of itself. But, I will talk more about this later.



Anyway, that first night, he did end up needing a platelet transfusion. It seemed to help him, but they told me there was a high chance that he would need another one in the near future. After this, however, things actually seemed to get better. Every day he seemed to improve ever so slowly. They were pricking his heel every 3 hours, but as his blood sugar was holding steady, they kept prolonging the heel pricks to every 6 hours or longer. His poor little heels! Seriously. I wish I had pictures of them. They were so raw and purple and bloody. I was worried he would never have feeling in his feet again.

After the first night, Brian told me he thought it would help me more to go home and sleep in my own bed. He knew that I would sleep better and thought that watching movies or something would lift my spirits. Well, for the most part he was right. I don't think I was happy to be 20 minutes away from my baby, but I knew Brian needed a break, too. So, we headed home. It was so weird going home after having a baby. Because I didn't have him with me. I left the house pregnant, came home not pregnant, and was empty handed. It hurt my heart a little.

Several days had past and Hayden was still in the NICU. I often asked the doctors and nurses when he would be able to leave and no one would give me an answer. They just told me things he had to do in order to leave, like be off the IV completely for 2 days, breathe on his own (which he was doing from day 2 so that was good), and eat everything by mouth--no more tube feedings. That was the most tricky because it seemed like he would have that tube forever. He just had no interest in feeding from me. Every day he seemed to get better and better. Until he didn't.

One day I walked into the NICU with my breast milk in a little cooler, went to the refrigerator in his room and emptied what I had. I usually got there in time for rounds which just meant when the nurses and doctors discuss each baby and the progress and goals for each one. I loved being there for that because I felt included and it allowed me to hear the good and the bad. Well, on this particular day, the nurse told me that Hayden had improved and they were weaning him off his IV a little at a time. This was such great news! I was so happy and felt like I was able to celebrate this tiny victory. Well, it wasn't too long after this great news that another doctor (one I had never even seen before) came to tell me some pretty devastating news. At this time, Brian, his mom and step dad were in the room visiting. This doctor proceeded to tell me that, after a brain scan, that there was extensive swelling in his brain. She told me that it was due to brain injury and that he most likely would not live a normal life.

MY HEART LITERALLY SHATTERED. I tried so hard to keep it together. But I couldn't. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I felt sick to my stomach. When the doctor left the room, I was talking to one of Hayden's nurses and she told me they were going to do another scan over the weekend to confirm. She tried to calm my nerves and told me it wouldn't be as bad as I thought. She told me about programs and specialists that could help. But, I just never envisioned my life going this route so it was pretty hard to take in. I remember calling my dad and my sister that night after we got that news and I could hardly get the words out.

That weekend, he was scheduled to get another brain scan. The nurses asked if they could call me to let me know if the results (the scan was scheduled for the middle of the night so she knew I would most likely be sleeping). Of course I told her yes. They told me they would have to give Hayden some very light sedation in order to keep him still during the scan. At about 12 am, I got a call from the nurse. I knew it was the results of his scan and I was holding my breath. Trying not to get my hopes up, I answered the call with Brian by my side.



The results were exactly what I wanted to hear. There was no swelling and if there was at some point, it was gone now. And there was no sign of brain injury. I was elated. Brian and I had a brief moment of celebration and said a little prayer to Heavenly Father, thanking him for protecting our sweet boy.

We went in the next day with the biggest smile and best attitudes. We just snuggled our little baby and gave him lots and lots of kisses. A couple GOOD days went by. No news. Just steady, good days. They were still weaning him off the IV little by little and now our focus was on getting him to nurse. I spent at least an hour at a time trying to get him to latch. I met with lactation consultants, developmental specialists, and speech pathologists. I was using nipple shields which seemed to help but he just wouldn't suck. Or he would suck here or there and then fall asleep. I worked with several lactation consultants trying different things. But it seemed like, after an hour of trying, we had to resort back to the tube to get him to eat. It was frustrating.

During this time, Hayden's doctor came in and told me that the Pediatric Neurologist from Primary Children's Hospital wanted to come and meet with us. I was confused because I thought his brain issues were behind us. I asked the doctor why and she would tell me it was just to go over his scans. I was much closer with his nurses and when I asked them about it, they said usually they will come and meet with us if they saw something. Which is where I started getting scared again. As some of you know, Brian's older sister, Kristy has a child with Tuberous Sclerosis which is a very rare genetic disease that causes little tumor-type spots to form on the brain (Kristy if you are reading this, sorry if I butchered that! I googled it..). It has caused our sweet niece, June to have seizures for almost her whole life. I have watched my sister-in-law raise this sweet girl and when Hayden's brain came into question, my very first thought was June. I struggled with the possibility that Hayden may have something similar to June. In fact, the day I found out, I called Kristy and just cried and cried. If Hayden did have something like June did, I would deal with it and we would get through it, but it would be a struggle.

The next day at noon, we met with the Neurologist. She was so incredibly kind. To start with, she had a lanyard that had a bunch of Star Wars stuff on it, so of course her and Brian talked about that. Right of the bat, we felt like she was our friend and that she was on our side. She pulled up Hayden's brain scan. She informed us that she felt like it was her duty as a physician to show us his brain. Partly to put our minds at ease but also to show us a couple of "spots". Yes, Hayden has some "spots" on his brain that are indicative of a brain injury (something we agreed not to really talk about or tell him when he's older...so this blog is where this will remain hah!). However, she explained to us that these spots were so incredibly small. She related these spots as scars on his brain. Most likely caused by lack of oxygen in the womb. She told us it was as if he fell and "scratched" his brain. She told us that most newborn babies has these same exact "spots" but the only reason we know about Hayden's is because he had a brain scan. She told us even healthy babies with no NICU time will have these same "injuries". She told us this all in such a soft spoken and calming way. I asked her if this would affect him as he grew at all and she told us Hayden had the same chances of developmental issues that any other baby did and that this would not increase his chances. It was such a relief to hear, but of course I still worried.

One minute we were told he would not live a normal life. The next minute we were told his swelling was miraculously gone. The next we were told he, in fact, did have minor injuries. So, as you can imagine, I was pretty much bracing myself for the next wave of bad news. It was really hard to continue on with hope that he would be fine.

His new bassinet

A next day they informed me that Hayden was completely off his IV and his sugar levels were holding steady. They even switched his bed from a really intense, heated, IV bed to a bassinet. They allowed me to put clothes on his and even picked fun patterned blankets to line his mat with. I felt like we were finally closer to our goal. They had Brian and I go to a discharge class where we learned about choking and hazards and SIDS and all types of stuff I don't remember. But again, another step closer to leaving with our baby boy.


The next day I arrived just in time for rounds. I waited my turn as all the nurses were gathered around the desks outside of Hayden's room. Our door was closed and usually a couple nurses and the doctor would come in to our room once it was our turn. But this day was different. One of the nurses came in and asked if I would like to go and sit out with them and listen to the doctors regarding Hayden. Of course I did. They pulled up a chair for me to sit in and I listened in. A lot of the information and things they were saying went way over my head. I had a hard time paying attention. Then I heard the doctor say "So, the Shaw baby...how is he doing overall?" and each nurse said he was great. The doctor then said, "Well, I don't see why he can't go home tomorrow!". It was such a surprise. Especially because they never really gave me an estimate of when he would come home. They all looked at me and the doctor asked "Are you okay with that, mom?" I don't even think I said a word. I just shook my head as tears poured down my face.

Car seat test

Before we left, there were two things that needed to happen. First, he needed to pass his newborn screening. Second, he would have to pass his car seat test. He passed the car seat test with flying colors. The newborn screening was, unfortunately, a different story. The audiologist came in to take Hayden in for his newborn hearing test. Before he took him away, he asked me if there was any family history of hearing loss. With which I responded with a solid and firm, no. I was not worried about this test in the slightest. I knew that he could hear me because he would often open his eyes when I talked.


Well, when the audiologist came back, he once again, broke my heart. Hayden had failed his hearing test. But not only that, the hearing guy told me he detected some hearing loss and wanted us to come back a couple weeks later for a retest. That wasn't the news I really wanted to hear. But, I still got to go home and part of me thought the guy just didn't do it right or something. So, I let it go and started to prepare for my little baby to come home. And the day we brought him home was GLORIOUS. We were a family. We could finally start our new life together as a family of 3.

. . . 

A few weeks later, Hayden and I went back to IMC to meet with Dr. Baird, our audiologist. This was probably one of the worst doctor's appointments I have ever gone to. After he plastered all these cords and probes on Hayden's head, it was now my job to get Hayden to go to sleep. Because at this appointment, Hayden couldn't move. And if he did, we had to start the test over. It was miserable! Luckily, Hayden did great and slept almost the whole time. But, yet again, the news I was looking for and hoping for, did not come. Dr. Baird informed me that Hayden had moderate hearing loss. He told me Hayden would most likely need hearing aids and he would probably need to meet with a developmental specialist sooner than later so we would figure out a way to communicate with him. My heart broke (yet again...). We dealt with low sugars, low platelets, potential brain injuries, and now we have to deal with this. But somehow, this seemed more weird. It literally hurt my heart. I remember coming home from that appointment and making a ton of loud sounds on purpose just to see if Hayden would flinch. I did this often. I would tell Brian all the time, "Don't worry about being quiet, he can't hear us anyways." It was pretty hard. I had to go in again for another hearing appointment in a few weeks. So I decided until that time, we were not going to worry about it.

Hearing Test

As the days passed on leading up to his next hearing appointment, I noticed a change in his hearing. He was starting to wake up to the loud noises and he was more aware all the time. In my heart, I knew there was just no way. This next appointment was at a different hospital. One that was much closer to us. It was also with two other audiologists, so I felt like maybe it would be like almost a second opinion. However, Hayden was older this time (maybe 3-4 months?) and I knew that keeping his still and getting him to fall asleep was going to be another challenge. To my surprise, he did great. He slept the whole time. The two women that were doing his test were great. They talked to me almost the whole time and kept telling me how cute Hayden was.

This appointment was much better news. The doctors told me that while he did have some hearing issues, that it was most likely related to lingering fluid in his ears. They told me that since his last hearing appointment, his hearing had improved significantly and that there was no reason to believe that he wouldn't eventually hear like normal. They said because he didn't pass this test, they were obligated to have me come back until he passed. But Brian and I thought that we had had enough. We knew he could hear us just fine and those two women really assured us that his hearing issues would most likely resolve themselves.

We were finally free. Free of doctors. Free of a million appointments. Free. All our worries were finally behind us. And it felt good.

. . .

Today, Hayden is a very healthy, one year old. He continues to surprise us by the things he learns and knows. Not a day goes by that Brian and I don't look at Hayden and say "man, we are lucky." We really are. When Hayden was in the NICU, the nurses kept telling me that I would eventually look back on that whole experience as if it were just a bad dream. They were right. I am SO grateful for those nurses. There were several that we just adored. They sat there day after day for two weeks and just held and rocked my boy when I wasn't there.

I think Heavenly Father definitely works in mysterious ways. I'm not really the type that likes to preach and bring God into everything, but in this case, how can I not? It is so clear to me that He definitely had His hand in all of this. It was hard. I was a mess. But even still, every day we were there, I witnessed miracles happen. And not just in our room, but in the rooms around us as well. I witness a newborn baby weighing 13 lbs at birth, snuggle into her mothers arms on the daily. I witnessed a gay couple who were adopting a little girl learn of the news that she would need some time in the NICU to get her bilirubin levels under control and watched as they came every day with family and friends so they could all see how beautiful she was. I watched a little boy next door to us go home with his family after months in the NICU with a starting weight of just 1.5 pounds. I witnessed so much love. SO MUCH. I actually came to the conclusion that all those people who say to themselves "where is God?" need to come to the NICU because I am pretty sure He spends a lot of His time there.

November: A Month of Thanksgiving

November is one of my most favorite months! It marks the beginning of the holiday season and, who doesn't like the holidays?!

I keep trying to get Brian to let me put the Christmas tree up, but he keeps denying my request:( I will just keep pushing though! Who says November 1st is too early? If it were my choice, I'd have the tree up all year round. 

This will be my first Thanksgiving being married but my second with Brian. And I couldn't be happier! I definitely have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have a great husband and it's almost the end of the semester! That means only one more semester left for Brian and one more semester until I can receive my Associate's Degree.

Who would've guessed that I would be in this position? Well, I guess I have surprised myself. Is it okay to be proud of yourself? Because I have no shame in saying that I am proud. I did it! I married the man of my dreams this year, I went back to school (and did really well) and bought a new car. Yeah, I know. My family should be shocked. You see, I haven't been the best with money in my life. But when I moved to Utah, somehow that all changed. I don't know what happened to be honest. I will always be the baby of my family. And no matter what I do, my immediate family will always worry about me. But, no need to worry anymore guys. I have grown up...like for reals this time. No more irresponsible actions on my part. (well, maybe a few:)) Anyhow,  just stop your worrying!

On that note, here are a few things I am thankful for:

I am thankful for these guys, my family. 

I am thankful for my new family.

I am thankful for my [goofy] friends.

I am thankful for missionaries.

I am thankful for temples and eternal families.

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful to live here, where the sky is purple.

I am thankful for a healthy husband.

And though the list goes on and on, one of the things I am most thankful for is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Without that, all of these things wouldn't have been possible. 

Check out what I am talking about here.

Also, check out this educational video that Brian did!

Our Big Day

Our wedding day was completely perfect. It was simple and everything I wanted it to be. We were sealed for time and eternity in the Salt Lake City temple. It was so pretty! For me, the last few days of being a single woman went a little like this:

My family arrived on Tuesday and headed straight to my older sister Sarah's house. Brian and I had packed up our car and drove to Salt Lake Tuesday night. And although I was anxious to see my family, we decided to camp out that night for the early morning Pioneer Day parade. Boy was that an adventure. It was nice weather. Not too cold and not too warm. We had food, blankets, games, pretty much everything we needed. Brian's mom lived just upstairs so we even had a bathroom nearby. We found a great spot on the grass right at edge of the sidewalk. It was a fun night with Brian's aunt and uncle and some of his cousins. His mom was also there with Brian's grandma. We played some games, mostly Rook. As it was getting very late, we decided not to sleep (well, mostly Brian and his Uncle and brother-in-law). They stayed up playing the Farming Game. It was probably around 2 am when I decided to lay on the grass and fall asleep. Big mistake. About 3 am, the sprinklers went off and woke me up in shock. I wasn't the only one asleep on the grass. Brian's nieces and cousins were also asleep. Well, that woke us all up. Luckily our stuff didn't get too wet and the nice lady next to us showed up how to stop the water by putting out feet over the spout. What a night...

The next morning we watched the parade with the family. It was great. There were so many people lining the streets. Policemen, firetrucks, horses. I had never celebrated Pioneer Day before because in California, people don't even know what it is. It was a really nice day. We also saw a bunch of missionaries that were serving in Salt Lake and on Temple Square. Brian saw a sister missionary that he knew from Canada so we went and said hello. I asked her if she knew my best friend Rachel who was serving on Temple Square. I had sent an invitation to her so she could show her mission president and hopefully get permission to be in our sealing room. Unfortunately, however, this sister missionary we were talking to told me she had been sent outbound to Washington D.C. I was a little sad. 

On Thursday, my sister Sarah and her husband Jason were scheduled to be sealed together in the Salt Lake Temple. That was pretty cool. That had been so important to Sarah since the day they were married. Due to the circumstances at the time, they were not able to be sealed when they got married. Nonetheless, she made it her goal to be sealed almost exactly one year later. I feel horrible because I really struggled with wanting to go to the sealing. She really wanted Brian and I there but I was afraid that it would take away from my experience that I would have 2 days later. After realizing that I had hurt her feelings, I decided to put my own selfish thoughts aside and go. I am so glad I was able to go. It was my first opportunity to be in the temple with Sarah. She was glowing and she was so happy. We all could feel the spirit. It was so cool to see one of her dreams coming true and it made me think a lot about what it would be like in a couple days for me. Brian was also there with me so we got to both see the sealing room together for the first time. 

On Friday, the day before the big day, I was able to go with my step-mom and sister, Allison to get our nails done. It was so surreal at this point. I couldn't believe I was getting married the next day! It took a little while to get through all of us, but when we were done we headed straight up to Salt Lake for the grooms dinner, which Brian's mom has prepared. She did an awesome job. It was beautiful and the food was awesome. It was so great to have both our families in the same spot. They all enjoyed meeting each other and I think it was a good time for all. 

After dinner, I said goodbye to my fiance for one last time. I decided I would spend my last night single going out with my very best friend, Courtney who flew up from California to spend my day with me. Her cousin, Emily was with us also. I say, the more girls the better! We went to get some dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. That place is so good. We had such a good time. We laughed and talked about past memories we had. After dessert, we walked back to the car. We walked passed the temple. It was beautiful at night. On the drive home we did what any immature girls would do, blasted the girly music and sang our hearts out. This was fun because Courtney and I used to do this all the time. It was always a spirit booster when we were having a bad day. We saw a statue of a dinosaur on the way home, and of course we had to stop and take pictures on it! What a great night!

It was finally here. I got almost no sleep. I was so anxious. I just wanted it to be the morning. When morning finally came around, I hopped in the shower for the last time as a single person :) Shortly after, Jen (my hairdresser) showed up. I felt like a movie star because shortly after that, the girl who was doing my makeup came. Here I was, sitting on a chair while 2 girls worked to make me pretty. That was pretty fun. I think every girl looks forward to that. When I was done, I got dressed (in a skirt and shirt because I couldn't wear my wedding dress in the temple) and I drove to Salt Lake with my dad and Mary. 

I was on my way to get married! When we got to Brian's moms, Brian was outside waiting for me. Along with my parents, Brian and I walked through temple square and were met at the temple by Brian's dad. We checked in and were escorted to a room where we talked to a lady who explained to us what we were to do. Then, we separated for just a while where we would meet up again in the Celestial room. It was here where Brian and I were alone and were able to just think about what we were about to do. This was the hardest part. The wait was SO long. It felt like hours before it was finally our turn. And while I can't explain everything that goes on in a sealing, I can say that it was one of the best moments of my life. This was something I have worked towards my whole life and now I was finally here, hand-in-hand with my very own prince charming. It was so cool. I could never see my life without Brian in it and I am so glad I get to spend eternity with him. I don't know why everyone doesn't get sealed together forever! It is the coolest experience I have ever had thus far in my life. 

Well, we were married! Now, off to the reception! Luckily, it was just across the street so we didn't have to walk too far. We got there a little early, just to see how things were going. But when we got there Brian and I were sent away to go check in at our hotel just up the street. Brian and I didn't complain of course. It was such a beautiful little bed and breakfast. We checked in and the guy there showed us around. There was even free cookies! And I am pretty sure we were the only ones staying there. It was a very peaceful little place. And that's all I am going to say about that...

The reception was beautiful and Brian's mom worked very hard to have everything ready by the time we got there. To be honest, I would have spent the whole time at the hotel if I had the choice. But our family and friends were there to greet us and say hello. I am so glad that I chose the caterer I did. The food was awesome! Although, I don't think Brian and I ate too much. 

It was such a fun day. We both realized how loved we were. We couldn't believe the generosity we received. It was the perfect end to the perfect day. It's a day I don't think Brian and I will ever forget. 

Call Me Crazy

School is over! And the best part is...I passed all my classes! Not only did I pass my classes, but I am proud to say that I ended the semester with a GPA of 3.64. Dang straight! Just shy of a 4.0! Those who know me know that this is a huge deal for me. I suppose the older you get, certain things become more important to you. School was one of those things for me. I really enjoyed going to school this semester. Although it was difficult and very time consuming, it has proved to be worth it. I only took three classes; Career Exploration, Intro to Human Communications, and English. My favorite class was English. I absolutely loved everything about this class. To be honest, I took the class simply because I needed to cross it off the list for my generals. I have always enjoyed English but I always knew I would be a writer and that journalism was the path I should take. However, after completing this class, I have learned that perhaps Heavenly Father had a different path in mind for me. After spending a lot of time on my knees, I have come to the conclusion that an English degree would serve me well later in life. So now my next step is actually declaring my first ever major. Yay for finally having a goal in life! 

As for the future Mr. and Mrs. Shaw, we have finally found an apartment. I am very excited about it, as is Brian. It was actually very interesting. Brian and I had been looking around but, with our price range, only found very, VERY small one bedroom apartments. When I say small I mean like the size of my current living room size small. To me, the thought of being crammed into a tiny 400 square foot apartment sickened me. However, I finally realized that I would have to sacrifice in order for us to be financially okay throughout the first year of our marriage. To be honest, I was becoming very discouraged with the whole apartment thing but it was Brian's faith that I continued to look at these tiny places. While in class one day I was browsing craigslist when I came across a small entry with no photos of a larger one bedroom, one bathroom basement apartment with washer and dryer. (The washer and dryer were one thing Brian and I were not willing to sacrifice on due to the fact that we have been paying for our laundry for quite a while.) When I saw this ad, I immediately told Brian, even though I thought it was a little sketchy. Long story short, when we pulled up to this house, Brian and I looked at each other and knew, before we even went inside, that we needed to get this place. It is located on a corner lot with a huge yard right across the street from a park in a quiet neighborhood right down the street from BYU campus. When we walked inside the first thing that caught my eye was the HUGE kitchen! It was amazing. And for a basement apartment, it was extremely bright and happy.The living room and fairly big as well and had a great washer and dryer. The bedroom and bathroom were a little smaller but just the right size for us. We loved it and jumped on it right away. After a couple of days deliberating with her husband, Emily (the owner of the house) texted me to tell me the apartment was ours if we wanted it. So exciting for us! This was the first step to our new life.

May marks the 3 month mark to my big day. It's crazy to think that in just 3 short months I will go from having temporary roommates to having one eternal roommate for the rest of my life. Yes, every time I think about it I get nervous. The thought of being a wife really scares me! Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry....all while going to work and school full time?! Well, I am not sure how to do it yet, but I know that I will learn. I am lucky to have Brian who couldn't be more helpful and supportive. All my life I have been taught to prepare myself to go to the temple and to be a good homemaker, but I never understood how important that is until now. Even though the wife thing scares me, I am so incredibly excited to be Brian's wife. 

I also get to go through the temple for the first time to receive my endowments. To me, this is a huge deal. To be honest, if you were to ask me what goals I had 4 years ago, I assure you the temple probably wouldn't have been on that list. It has been a long road to get to where I am but I am so happy to be at this point in my life. The temple has become such an important beacon in my life. It has become not only a symbol of the person I want to be, but it has become a place of peace and serenity in my life as well. I can't believe I finally get to go. When I look back, the road to get here was such a small moment and I am so excited to reap the eternal benefits. To my family: Thank you for always being there for me, even when I made bad decisions. Best family ever! To my friends: If you feel like I abandoned you or left you behind, I am so sorry. Just realize that I did it simply for my own happiness and I needed to make certain changes for myself. I think all of my current and past friends are amazing people and all have amazing hearts and I have been so blessed to even have you guys in my life. Thank you!

Perhaps some reading this don't understand the importance of my faith's temple in my life. Here's my favorite clip on the temple that has helped me understand a little bit more about why Mormon's have temples.

Meanwhile, Brian has started a new semester. It seems like he is non stop school all the time. It's tough because by the end of the day he is super worn out and tired. But I know that it will be worth it. By taking classes this semester, he will be able to graduate in April with a degree in Advertising...which I can't complain about. Go Brian! He also received a promotion at his job and went from a writer to a creative director. He got a nice $2 raise which we are very happy about. Between work and school, I get to spend a few hours with him at night before I have to leave so he can get rested up for the next, long day. I am definitely looking forward to when I don't have to say goodbye to him at night. 

As for me, I also just received a raise at work. Because of the decrease in hours that In N Out has had to give due to a new law, they have decided to give everyone a raise to hopefully compensate for a loss of finances. Thanks In N Out! Unfortunately that means a raise in prices for the rest of you, but just know that I am grateful for your business because it is you who pays for my paycheck! :) Also, I have been working really hard to get my next level which will give me another dollar raise. So I will go from making $12.50/hr to $14.25/hr. We could definitely use that! 

I have to say that during this stressful, yet exciting time in my life, it is very hard being away from all my family. Some of Brian's family is near and they help me as much as they can with wedding plans, but there's nothing like a mother's touch. Since my mom is not around, it would be nice to have my step mom near by and even my sisters. I am grateful for all the help they have already given me and hopefully I haven't stressed them out as well. 

Kristin's words of wisdom...

Never give up. That's the secret to life I guess. When you get lazy, opportunity passes right by you. Work hard. Whether that is at your job, at school, or simply in life. Thing's usually aren't handed to you. You have to work for them. If you want to find true happiness, you have to work to find that happiness. What's it worth to you? To me, it was worth giving up a lot of close friends and even moving to a different state. After a lot of perseverance and hard work, I have finally reached a point in my life where I feel really happy. Inside and out. And no, it's not simply because I am getting married (although, marrying your best friend definitely boosts your happy level). It is from the past three years of being dedicated to what I believe in. 

Some people call me crazy for making some drastic changes. Heck, maybe I am. But isn't it better (and more fun) to be crazy than nothing at all?

You never know. What you're looking for may just be one click away.

Brian and I: 8 Months

I have received many recent requests to explain how I met Brian. While the beginning of this story may not seem to be a “love at first sight” story, I can assure you that Brian was definitely an answer to my prayers.

Let me begin by explaining where Brian and I were at in our lives the first time we met. (Sept. 2012)

Brian was a very recently returned missionary from Sendai, Japan, only being home for 4 months. Most RM’s are very “marriage conscience” when they first come home, however this was far from Brian’s mind. He was extremely focused on his degree in Advertising at BYU and spent the majority of his time working on projects. Needless to say, a relationship was not in his game plan.

As for me, I had just ended a relationship a few months prior and was at a point in my life where I wanted nothing to do with boys or relationships (I know, very naive of me I suppose). I was more focused on becoming more social and spending much needed time with my roommates. I was also trying hard to get myself back into school and preparing myself financially for that. I spent countless hours working at In N Out and pretty much dedicated all of my time to making some dollar signs.

In late September, I was packing to leave for California the next day when I decided to go out with my roommates to the rooftop concert in Provo, Ut. I had so much fun! Although, our night ended early because everyone (besides me) had a hot date or other evening plans. So I came home and decided to watch one of my favorite shows, Grey’s Anatomy. I was home alone until Alanna (my roommate) came running through the door asking me to go swimming with her and some friends. Being the lame person I was, I politely declined. Not minutes after that, Nick (whom at this point I had never met, but is Brian’s roommate) came waltzing in the door, followed by Brian. Now, I am sure you are wondering what my first initial thought was when I saw Brian. I thought, “Who are these people and why are the interrupting my show!” Haha, seriously actually. Of course I thought that he was cute and stuff, but I had sworn off relationships so I wasn’t really thinking of anything like that. Nick and Alanna left the apartment to go swimming. My assumption was that Brian was going to leave as well, however he did not. He came and sat next to me on the couch. If you are thinking that this is typical of Brian, well, you would be wrong. To this day I have no idea why he stuck around to talk to me. It was slightly awkward at first, but the more we talked, the more we just clicked.

We talked about school and work and different things. I don’t think he really brought up the fact that he had JUST got off his mission yet, but to be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered. He asked me how to spell my last name, which then led him to finding my facebook. Sneaky sneaky! Anywho, I was leaving the next morning to fly to California. I wanted him to get my number that night but he never did. So I thought that was the end of that. While in California, I received a facebook message from him reading,

“Hey Kristin Llllelwxlellyn. (He always made fun of my last name having too many letters in it.)

So I had a thought just now. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I believe you mentioned that you have some clippers (for cutting hair, not the basketball kind) at your house in California.

Just an idea, but if you wanted to be awesome, you could bring those clippers back with you from California, and then use them to cut my hair for me. Just saying...

Hope you had fun at the wedding!”

Well as you can imagine, I was super happy to receive this message. We started to massage back and forth to each other until I finally broke down and told a little white lie ;) I told him that I never use facebook and that it would be way easier if he just texted me. (Yes, I gave him my number FIRST. He never asked me for it.)

Well, when I came back from California we started spending every day together until he finally asked if I wanted to “hangout” with him sometime. I got back from California on a Tuesday and we went on our first date on Friday to a place called “Color Me Mine” where we painted pottery. What a fun date that was! Although, Brian was very sick with the sniffles and a head cold and he constantly needed to blow his nose. I offered to wait until he was feeling better, but he insisted he wanted to go on this date.

So the rest is pretty much history. Not too long after that we became “official” and spent all of our time together. To be honest, I was afraid that he would get sick of me, or that spending a lot of time together would lead to arguments. 8 months later though, we are still argument free!

Well, as the holiday season approached our relationship continued to get stronger. However, I was secretly terrified because I knew that Brian was going to Canada for a couple weeks for winter break. How was I supposed to spend 2 weeks without him?! Well, it wasn’t easy, but I did it. I can tell you that it was the longest two weeks of my life. I missed him like crazy!

Brian’s birthday is on January 17 and was quickly approaching after the break. Me, lacking in funds, made him dinner and had a little surprise party for him. However, his mom got him the ultimate gift: a car! He was SO happy and grateful for that car. He called me right away and was so excited to take me on a drive. Well, the next day he was on his way to come visit me at In-N-Out and as he was turning into the parking lot he was rear ended. Now this was not just some simple fender bender. Brian was hit so hard that he slammed his face into his steering wheel which left him with 60 stitches in his forehead and a broken nose. Not to mention, the scare of a lifetime. Now you may be wondering where I was during all of this. I was at work...watching the entire thing unravel.

It was a normal day at work for me. I was excited for that night because I would get to see his car and we had a fun ward activity that we were going to go to. As I was peeling onions, I noticed that there was a fairly bad car accident that had just happened right outside the window. I didn’t think much about it and my coworkers and I joked about silly Utah drivers. We also watched the ambulance come and pull someone out of a small, white, smashed up car. We all watched and thought “Man, that guy looks bad.” Luckily, I was able to get off a little early and, as usual, went directly to my phone to call Brian. However, I was stopped by a text that read “I was in a car accident outside your work. I am ok.”

OH MY GOSH. My mind started to race and I seriously couldn’t believe it. I was in total shock and thought that there was no way someone would be ok after what I had seen. I ran up and told my friend Kelsey that it was Brian. She told me I had to go out there and talk to the cops. I was so scared and in tears (don’t tell Brian) that I literally couldn’t move. So Kelsey ran out to the street and I followed. The police officer saw us and asked if there was a Kristin that works there. I said that was me. He told me that my boyfriend was in a bad car accident and I should go to the Utah Valley ER right away. I didn’t even hesitate. I jumped in my car and rushed to the hospital. When I saw Brian, he was covered in blood almost from head to toe. I didn’t even know what to think. I went straight to him and grabbed his bloody hand (literally). All he said to me over and over again was “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” To be honest, I didn’t know what to think or say or do. All I wanted to do was trade places with him. I knew, however, that I needed to be strong and to be calm for him. So I did my best.

As you can imagine, it became a long few weeks for Brian. He was almost in constant pain and was taking a lot of really helpful painkillers. I never left his side. I did whatever I could to ease his pain. And when I had to leave his side for work or school, I made sure he had someone nearby to help him in case of a sudden nose bleed that he often had. His family that was nearby also helped him alot and I can not take much credit for Brian’s care. His mom, especially, was extremely helpful and caring during these much needed times of healing. To her and the rest of his family, I am forever grateful.

It was during this time when I realized I was in love with Brian. I had never cared about one person so deeply before. I have never wanted to switch places or take someones pain away like I wanted to with Brian. For me, this experience led me to really understand what love was.

For Brian, the accident was also a big game changer. At the time I had no idea, but later Brian told me that after he had come back from Christmas break, he had actually had serious doubts about the relationship. Not that he didn't care for me deeply, but he was scared about how fast the relationship was moving. He didn't want to be another RM who is marriage crazy, and how close we had become in such a short period of time really worried him. In his own words, he said that the fear he felt was always overcome when we were together, but sometimes when we were apart, he got scared.

Well, according to Brian, the very day that he seriously began thinking that we were moving too fast and that we should take a break, he got in the accident. Brian has told me more than once that the accident, while horrible and painful, was in part an angel in disguise, because he realized, as I stood by his side through the worst of times, that he too was in love with me.

I should also mention that during the 8 months of dating that we have done thus far, we have never said “I love you” to each other. Early on in our relationship Brian told me he has never said those words to any girl and he will only ever say them to his future wife. What a relief! Talk about taking any unneeded pressure off the relationship. I was so glad that there was no pressure on me to say those words back and we could just date and have fun.

Of course, as our relationship progressed, Brian and I wanted to say them to each other so badly, but we held it in.

And thus leads to the wonderful story of how he proposed...

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Probably because it was yesterday, but I’m sure I will be saying that for years. Brian has been telling me for a couple weeks to keep Friday night, the 29th of March, free because his dad was coming in from Canada. I agreed and made sure I had the night off of work. Well, his dad wasn’t able to come that weekend but Brian told me we would go on a nice date anyways. He wanted to cook for me and he wanted it to be really nice. I was confused and always asked him why, but he would only ever respond with “because you deserve it.” That was good enough for me I guess. Brian has always been so great at surprising me and treating me like a princess so in my mind I thought it was just another nice thing he wanted to do for me.

When I got off of work on Friday, I was so excited to come home and see Brian. After I was done getting ready I called Brian and he said he would wait for me outside. This was weird because he never met me outside. Before we went into his apartment he told me he had a little surprise for me. He opened the door and there were a TON of sunflowers everywhere. Like a TON! Sidenote: sunflowers are my favorite. I was so shocked. In the middle of all these sunflowers there was a table set up with a candle and dinner ready to eat. So we sat down, said a prayer, and ate our meal...like any normal couple right? Except for the fact that we were surrounded by sunflowers. Dinner was great! We talked about our day and his work and my work. But, I still had all these sunflowers on my mind. I proceeded to ask him how many there were and he made me guess. My guesses were so dumb. My first guess was 4 dozen. Wrong. Second I said 10 dozen. Wrong again. Brian finally told me he had purchased (and cut) 300 sunflowers. 300! Holy moly! I have never even heard of this many sunflowers! Well it was definitely a treat for me. After dinner, we cleared the table and he said that he had another surprise for me. At this point I was a little more suspicious. He went to his room, grabbed his guitar and told me he wanted to sing me a song that he had written. Well, a song that he had changed the lyrics to. The song was amazing. Here are the lyrics:

(Also, I should note that all of the lyrics are references to different dates we've been on or things Brian loves about me, etc...)

(to the tune of Juno’s “anyone else”)

"You’re a part time lover and a full time friend,

The monkey on your back is the latest trend.

I don’t see what anyone can see in anybody else, but you.

Here is the church and here is the steeple,

We sure are cute for two ugly people.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You know how to paint airplanes and cups,

I blab about my mission and you don’t interrupt.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You are really good at the nickel arcade,

You really like green but mint’s your favorite shade.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You’ll play all the games, even sometimes Rook,

You’re such a good writer you should write a book.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You can jump around on a trampoline,

Being with you is like living a dream.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

When we go on trips to a warmer place,

Disneyland or boating trips are all the rage.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

Sometimes we stay home and just watch a movie,

Although going mini golfing was pretty groovy.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

Although you might kill for a piece of chocolate,

As far as I’m concerned you’re the number one best cook.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You love all things that have to do with Star Wars,

Or at least you will pretend that it does not bore.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

Even when I crash and am sort of broken,

You stayed right by my side and I’m not jokin’.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you.

You were made for me and I was made for you,

It’s not hard to see that one plus one is two.

I don’t see what anyone could see in anybody else, but you."

AMAZING huh? Well, I’m sure you think I was in tears at this point. I can honestly say the song made my eyes swell but unfortunately, no tears. I think my eyes are broken? Anywho, after he finished the song, he came closer to me and told me that I wasn’t allowed to speak until he was done with what he had to say. At this point, I had a feeling what was coming.

This is what I remember:

“Kristin, I’m sure you can tell that the point of that song was to tell you that I love you.”

Ok, he said the words. It is definitely happening. HOLY CRAP.

He then proceeded to tell me about the reason sunflowers are called sunflowers. He said that wherever the sun is, that is the direction the flower faces. He told me of a talk that we both heard a few weeks ago about how relationships are like flowers. How you need to water them to make them grow and work on them everyday. He told me that he knows we have what it takes to make it work and that it will take hard work but he knows we can do it. He said he is like a sunflower and I am like the sun and that he wants to always be facing in my direction and that wherever I am, he wants to be.

Teary eyed yet? I wasn’t. I was in complete shock. Then, he got on one knee and pulled out a box and asked me to marry him. With my hands cupped around my mouth, I said nothing for a second. Of course I said yes. Me, being the silly girl I am, gave him both my hands because I had no clue what hand the ring goes on.

SHOCKED. That was the best date of my life thus far.

Now I asked Brian to write down his version of the speech that he gave. Here's what he said:

"After the song, the first thing I said was that you had to listen and you couldn't say anything or interrupt me until I was done talking. After you promised to comply, I proceeded to tell you that the point of the song was to tell you that I love you. Which I had never said to any girl ever before. It was really hard to say, and I'm pretty sure when I said it my voice was so quiet and choked up you could hardly hear me. Either way, I somehow said it (it's much easier to say now, by the way). At any rate, after that, I was still nervous beyond all nervous, but I proceeded to tell you about Sunflowers. I had done a little bit of research on sunflowers and learned that sunflowers have this interesting quirk where they follow the direction of the sun. Sunflowers know that their life depends on the sun, and they long to be as close as possible to it. I told you that you were the sun in my life and that my life, my happiness and my everything depends on you. I told you that no matter where you go, I wanted to be as close as possible to you. I said I wanted to follow you everywhere. In order to show this to you, I bought the 300 flowers. Then I reminded you of the talk we had heard together that compared a relationship to a flower. The talk mentioned how a relationship, like a flower, will not grow without serious effort, and how for a relationship to be eternal it requires all the pieces to fit in their proper place. Then I told you that I knew we had what it takes to make our relationship last, and that now was our time with every piece fitting perfectly. Then, stumbling all over my words, I asked you to marry me. You replied, "yes of course!" to which I breathed a huge sigh of relief and quickly added "ok, it's too late to take it back now!" And that's the story of how you got stuck with me."

He claims to have said all that to me, but I don't really remember it. I say he was so nervous that he forgot to say most of that, to which he replies that first, he rehearsed the speech hundreds of times before the proposal and is sure that he got it right, and second, he thinks I was too caught up in the moment, and the words "I love you," to comprehend everything he said.

It probably doesn't matter who is right.

I am so happy to spend forever with Brian. He is my best friend, my support, my encouragement, my everything. I love him to death and I can’t wait to start my life with him. I have never met someone who has been so accepting of everything in my life and so willing to give always. He is so incredibly creative and I know that our life together will never be boring. I know that Heavenly Father brought us together and I know that, together, we can serve Him and create an eternal family. I am so excited for the future!

Most importantly, I GET TO BE A SHAW!

I couldn’t be happier. Thank you to all our family and friends who have always supported our decisions and given us advice. To all of you: we love you.

Here’s to the future....