What you are about to read was my experience before, during, and after the birth of my sweet baby boy, Hayden. It was a very emotionally draining time in my life. These were my very real and very raw emotions during that time and I ask that you read this with an open mind and an open heart and respect my decisions as a mother. During that time, it literally felt as though my world and my life were put on hold. Time was passing by ever so slowly. I understand that others have had it worse than me and I do not discredit their experience. My feelings about this experience have since changed and, in hindsight, I was probably a bit more dramatic than I needed to be. But, nevertheless, my experience remains. It has the potential to be graphic, so....just warning you.
March 21, 2017: 38 weeks 3 days pregnant
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| The night before my water broke |
Brian was flying to California at 6 am for a 24-hour business trip to film some stuff for his work. I had set my alarm for 3 am to ensure we would both wake up and get out the door by 4 am to head to the airport. However, after a restless night (typical for me at this stage in pregnancy), I was rudely awoken by my bladder (again, another common occurrence). As I got up and started walking to the bathroom, fluid started streaming down my legs. It was uncontrollable and it was A LOT. I actually laughed a little when I finally made it to the toilet. I had read several pregnancy blogs and articles about women peeing their pants in the last bit of pregnancy, I just never thought it would happen to me. But, as I sat on the toilet, I noticed that the fluid that was now all over the floor, was completely odorless and colorless. After thinking back to the many birth classes we took, I realized that this was not a normal bathroom experience. Nervously, I went back to the bedroom and woke Brian up. In a bit of shock, I said to him, "I know this is probably really terrible timing, but I am pretty sure my water just broke." He didn't seem too amused and said I probably just peed my pants. I agreed and tried to go about with our original plans of waking up and getting him to his flight. However, I didn't get very far as there was almost a steady flow of fluid streaming down my legs. At this point, we both agreed to call Labor and Delivery. Sure enough, the on call doctor said it sounded like my water broke and we should head on over.
Now, the hospital was in downtown Salt Lake City, about 30 minutes away. We didn't have anything packed and I was starting to freak out. So, we decided to take our time and make sure we remembered certain things. At this point, I was feeling good. The adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to get this show on the road.
4:30 am
We finally get in the car. Around 2 hours since my water broke. Being the control freak that I am, I insisted I drive so that way Brian could get on the phone with Jet Blue because at this point, there was no way he was about to get on that plane. I guess I didn't understand that me driving wasn't the smartest move, but hindsight is 20/20. When we got into the car, Brian remembered our birth class and how once I was in labor at the hospital, they most likely wouldn't let me eat. So, we decided to run through the Mc Donald's drive thru for a quick bite before I couldn't eat for who know's how many hours. At this point, I still have not felt a contraction.
5:15 am
We arrived at the hospital. We got to park in the dedicated "maternity patient" parking - something I was so excited about. We gathered up a couple back packs and walked into the hospital. I should mention, my water was still leaking, so it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world for me. But, we kept going. We got in the elevator and checked in to L&D at LDS Hospital. At this point, we were both pretty calm. I was in very good spirits. No contractions were happening. And a part of me was wondering if this was actually happening. In fact, when we were checking in, the nurse asked me why and who told me to come in. After I told her that my water had broke and the on-call doctor advised me to come, she promptly got us set up in a delivery room. It was now feeling a little more real. This whole time I was bracing myself. Waiting for contractions to kick in. After I got changed into the hospital gown, she checked my clothes and confirmed the presence of amniotic fluid. So, there was no going back. We were having a baby! They hooked me up to all the monitors and it was time to get this show on the road.
Now, this is where things get a little graphic and a little more real. A nurse came in because I wasn't having contractions so she wanted to check my cervix and see how dilated I was. I don't know about other moms, but getting my cervix checked was literally THE WORST. I cringed every time they did it. I think I even cried at one point. And to mine and everyone else's surprise, I was not dilated in the slightest. Not even a little bit. It was a little discouraging but mostly, I was impatient. And this meant that it might be a long while before anything happens.
After they checked my cervix (for the millionth time), things took a little turn. The baby's heartbeat was dropping and no contractions were happening. Which is not a good sign. Their thought was that he wasn't getting enough oxygen so they hooked me up with some oxygen of my own in hopes of getting his heart rate under control. I was so confused. His heart rate would be in the 140s-150s and then suddenly drop down into the 80s-90s. It scared me. But, I knew they were keeping a close eye on me so I tried my best not to worry. I was really trying hard to mentally prepare myself for the long hours ahead and thinking about labor and pushing and everything that I was about to go through.
Before I go on, and as I mentioned above, getting my cervix checked hurt like the dickens. But, worse than that, every time they checked my cervix, I would bleed. Not just a little. It would soak whatever was under me. I was completely terrified. Was this a normal thing? I had no idea (and still have no idea?).
6:00 am
The doctor came in again (after checking on me several times). But this time, when she came in, I could tell it wasn't going to be good news. She looked at the baby's heart rate and told me that with his heart rate dropping as low as it was without any contractions, the chances of him surviving labor and contractions, were very slim. She then told me he needed to come out because at this point, him being inside me was worse than him outside of me. So, with calmness in her voice, she told me she wanted to get me prepped for a c-section. She said "this isn't an emergent situation, but it is urgent and we need to do this within the next few minutes." My heart just broke. My nerves and excitement quickly turned to fear. There was not a second to think about my options, because in my mind, there were no options. I was about to undergo major surgery...awake. They got Brian suited up in his gown and cap. Seconds later, the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me about what he was going to do. He talked to me about a spinal tap because it would numb me up a lot quicker than whatever the other option was. His next question to me was "have you eaten anything recently?" Well, now I felt so dumb for going to Mc Donald's. After I told him that, he told me I would surely throw up but that it was normal and we would deal with it when it happened. Then he asked me if I felt comfortable to walk to the OR room. Which I did (because I still hadn't felt a single contraction). So, I hopped out of the bed and started my walk. Well, I got about 3 steps from the bed when huge blood clots just dropped right to the floor. Poor Brian was probably so disgusted. Looks like I wasn't going to make this walk down the hall. So, they put me back into bed and wheeled me away.
6:45 am
As we reached the OR room, beyond the "sterile environment" signs, I was hit with the shocking, ice cold air. Seriously. It was FREEZING in that room. They transferred me onto the table and I sat there, with my legs dangling off the side of the table, about to get a huge needle stuck in my back. I don't remember much about the spinal tap. I don't remember being afraid or it being painful. I just remember laying on my back and getting really warm (which was nice in that freezing room). It was the weirdest feeling. First my mid section got warm, then it just trickled down to my toes. Every once in a while, the anesthesiologist would poke me in certain spots to see if I was numb yet. I remember being so scared when he was doing that. Imagine someone using a feather to tickle you to see if you were numb before they sliced you open! He literally used this little paint brush type thing. So in my head I kept thinking, "wait...I don't know if I can feel that! Maybe I can? Are you sure I'm numb?" It was terrifying.
My OB finally arrived and, with Brian at my side, she begins the surgery. I laid there, waiting and waiting. I finally felt some tugging and asked her if she was starting. Apparently she was already elbow deep in my abdomen.
7:02 am
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| The first picture I saw of Hayden |
My journey on the table was not over yet. I started to shake like crazy! Well, only my upper half. I was so anxious to be done and to hold that little boy. I have watched a lot of birth stories and shows that have c-sections in them and in each of those scenarios, the husband walks over with the baby and places him on the mother's chest. I was waiting for this moment. I kept listening for Brian's voice of someone to tell me his weight or hear how cute he was. But that moment never came. I think I was constantly asking my OB if she was close to being done. The smell of my burning flesh resonated within my soul. I don't remember a lot of what happened at this point. But it felt as though it was taking hours to close me up.
Finally after an hour of being in that room, it was finished. I was done. As they transferred me onto the gurney, I sat up, looking through the small window at my little baby boy. My OB, myself, and Brian were all anxiously awaiting his weight.
4 lbs 11 oz, 19 inches long. He was SMALL.
I was rolled back to the recovery room, where I waited to hear any news on my baby. Brian finally came in and told me that he was having a little trouble breathing but he was okay. I was so relieved. They brought me some papers to sign, but it seemed almost impossible because of how much I was shaking.
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| The first time I held him |
After several hours, maybe 6 or so, I could finally feel my legs and was given the okay to go visit my little baby (nameless at this point) in the Special Care Unit on the opposite side of the maternity ward. I was determined to walk. So, with Brian, a nurse, and a wheelchair to push, I walked down the hall. I don't remember feeling pain. I remember walking super slow, but I don't remember it hurting. As I approached the room, I rolled up to my sweet boy, looked in his eyes then looked at Brian. He was a Hayden. 100% Hayden. It was so clear to me. He had a cpap machine on his face to help him breathe as well as IVs in his arms. But, he was alive. And he was perfect. It was at this point where I got to hold him for the very first time. My heart melted. My life, from that point on, was forever changed. Never did I realize how much I could love such a tiny human. But it was effortless and unconditional.
Special Care Unit and the NICU
Because Hayden was so tiny when he was born, he had a variety of problems. It started off with some breathing issues, but that quickly resolved itself within a day. After this, I found out he had extremely low sugar levels. I think his were between 10-20 when they should be upwards of 100. So he was given sugar water and dextose (basically the same thing as sugar water but through an IV) to keep his levels up. However, when we were at LDS hospital, the amount of Dextrose they could give him, was apparently very limited. Not only that, but his platelet count had also started to drop. Both Hayden and I spent 2 days at this hospital. They tried all sorts of things to get his levels up, but ultimately what they were doing wasn't working. So, the news was broken to me that he needed more than they could give him and he needed to be transferred to a different hospital that had better tools to help him.
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| Getting ready to be transferred |
When they rolled Hayden into my room like this, I literally broke out into tears. This was the Life Flight Team. And I was completely terrified. I had just had major surgery, and although I was feeling great, I was scared to be in a completely different hospital than my new baby. I had only been here two days and I knew that their protocol was minimum 4 days post c section. So, did this mean I would be here for 2 more days without the ability to see my child or try and nurse him? It was such a terrible feeling. They ended up calling my OB. She came to inspect my incision and look at the staples. She assessed my movement and pain levels. Because I wasn't on any pain meds and was up and walking with no problems, she gave me the O.K to be discharged 2 days early to go be with my baby. I still had staples inside me (normally they remove these before you leave the hospital) but she told me I could come back within the week to get those removed. Luckily, the staples didn't hurt. The only thing that hurt was when occasionally they would snag on my clothes or those gigantic underwear they give you. Thankfully, a very smart nurse gave me some little tricks. I just covered the staples with a huge feminine pad and wrapped the belly band as tight as I could. Then I could move as freely as I wanted. It was genius!
Brian and I quickly packed our things and headed to the Intermountain Medical Center in Murray, UT. Here, they had great NICU where Hayden would be able to get the best care possible. But of course, not without the roller coaster they send you on. Seriously, this was the worst time in my life. Not only was I battling recovery from a c-section, but having a tiny baby with some problems sent me into a little bit of postpartum depression. I won't focus a lot on that. It wasn't a pleasant time in my life. It is not something I want to re-kindle. But just know, that if you are going through it, or have gone through it, there are millions who have been in the same boat as you.
The minute Brian and I arrived at IMC, we were escorted into his NICU room only to see a team of doctors surrounding him. Apparently, when he arrived, they tried to administer a central line in through his umbilical cord. Well, it didn't work. The nurse that was in there was holding gauze on his little stump and said that when they tried to do it, his cord continuously spouted out blood. Like, it shot out like a fountain, she said. GREAT. Exactly what I wanted to hear to start out in a new place. No one seemed in a rush and no one seemed like it was a huge deal, so I just tried to hold onto that. At this time, another doctor came in to talk to me about his platelet levels. They said they wanted to wait and see how they held out through the night, but had me sign the papers for a platelet transfusion just in case they needed to do it in the middle of the night. That first night, Brian and I stayed in the little parent care room they had nearby the NICU. It was basically like a really crappy hotel room. There was a bed, a fridge, a pump and a bathroom. Oh, and a TV that didn't work. And a phone of course. At this point, I was pumping around the clock. Every 2-3 hours, on the dot. It was pretty terrible. I would pump and pump and hardly get anything, then label and freeze/refrigerate it and bring it in. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. However, when we stayed in the hospital, the nurses would call our room and wake me up every time he needed to be fed. He had a feeding tube in and took most of his feeds through the tube, but they wanted me to try and get him to latch so I could be successful with breastfeeding. This was a struggle in and of itself. But, I will talk more about this later.
Anyway, that first night, he did end up needing a platelet transfusion. It seemed to help him, but they told me there was a high chance that he would need another one in the near future. After this, however, things actually seemed to get better. Every day he seemed to improve ever so slowly. They were pricking his heel every 3 hours, but as his blood sugar was holding steady, they kept prolonging the heel pricks to every 6 hours or longer. His poor little heels! Seriously. I wish I had pictures of them. They were so raw and purple and bloody. I was worried he would never have feeling in his feet again.
After the first night, Brian told me he thought it would help me more to go home and sleep in my own bed. He knew that I would sleep better and thought that watching movies or something would lift my spirits. Well, for the most part he was right. I don't think I was happy to be 20 minutes away from my baby, but I knew Brian needed a break, too. So, we headed home. It was so weird going home after having a baby. Because I didn't have him with me. I left the house pregnant, came home not pregnant, and was empty handed. It hurt my heart a little.Several days had past and Hayden was still in the NICU. I often asked the doctors and nurses when he would be able to leave and no one would give me an answer. They just told me things he had to do in order to leave, like be off the IV completely for 2 days, breathe on his own (which he was doing from day 2 so that was good), and eat everything by mouth--no more tube feedings. That was the most tricky because it seemed like he would have that tube forever. He just had no interest in feeding from me. Every day he seemed to get better and better. Until he didn't.
One day I walked into the NICU with my breast milk in a little cooler, went to the refrigerator in his room and emptied what I had. I usually got there in time for rounds which just meant when the nurses and doctors discuss each baby and the progress and goals for each one. I loved being there for that because I felt included and it allowed me to hear the good and the bad. Well, on this particular day, the nurse told me that Hayden had improved and they were weaning him off his IV a little at a time. This was such great news! I was so happy and felt like I was able to celebrate this tiny victory. Well, it wasn't too long after this great news that another doctor (one I had never even seen before) came to tell me some pretty devastating news. At this time, Brian, his mom and step dad were in the room visiting. This doctor proceeded to tell me that, after a brain scan, that there was extensive swelling in his brain. She told me that it was due to brain injury and that he most likely would not live a normal life.
MY HEART LITERALLY SHATTERED. I tried so hard to keep it together. But I couldn't. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I felt sick to my stomach. When the doctor left the room, I was talking to one of Hayden's nurses and she told me they were going to do another scan over the weekend to confirm. She tried to calm my nerves and told me it wouldn't be as bad as I thought. She told me about programs and specialists that could help. But, I just never envisioned my life going this route so it was pretty hard to take in. I remember calling my dad and my sister that night after we got that news and I could hardly get the words out.
That weekend, he was scheduled to get another brain scan. The nurses asked if they could call me to let me know if the results (the scan was scheduled for the middle of the night so she knew I would most likely be sleeping). Of course I told her yes. They told me they would have to give Hayden some very light sedation in order to keep him still during the scan. At about 12 am, I got a call from the nurse. I knew it was the results of his scan and I was holding my breath. Trying not to get my hopes up, I answered the call with Brian by my side.
The results were exactly what I wanted to hear. There was no swelling and if there was at some point, it was gone now. And there was no sign of brain injury. I was elated. Brian and I had a brief moment of celebration and said a little prayer to Heavenly Father, thanking him for protecting our sweet boy.
We went in the next day with the biggest smile and best attitudes. We just snuggled our little baby and gave him lots and lots of kisses. A couple GOOD days went by. No news. Just steady, good days. They were still weaning him off the IV little by little and now our focus was on getting him to nurse. I spent at least an hour at a time trying to get him to latch. I met with lactation consultants, developmental specialists, and speech pathologists. I was using nipple shields which seemed to help but he just wouldn't suck. Or he would suck here or there and then fall asleep. I worked with several lactation consultants trying different things. But it seemed like, after an hour of trying, we had to resort back to the tube to get him to eat. It was frustrating.During this time, Hayden's doctor came in and told me that the Pediatric Neurologist from Primary Children's Hospital wanted to come and meet with us. I was confused because I thought his brain issues were behind us. I asked the doctor why and she would tell me it was just to go over his scans. I was much closer with his nurses and when I asked them about it, they said usually they will come and meet with us if they saw something. Which is where I started getting scared again. As some of you know, Brian's older sister, Kristy has a child with Tuberous Sclerosis which is a very rare genetic disease that causes little tumor-type spots to form on the brain (Kristy if you are reading this, sorry if I butchered that! I googled it..). It has caused our sweet niece, June to have seizures for almost her whole life. I have watched my sister-in-law raise this sweet girl and when Hayden's brain came into question, my very first thought was June. I struggled with the possibility that Hayden may have something similar to June. In fact, the day I found out, I called Kristy and just cried and cried. If Hayden did have something like June did, I would deal with it and we would get through it, but it would be a struggle.
The next day at noon, we met with the Neurologist. She was so incredibly kind. To start with, she had a lanyard that had a bunch of Star Wars stuff on it, so of course her and Brian talked about that. Right of the bat, we felt like she was our friend and that she was on our side. She pulled up Hayden's brain scan. She informed us that she felt like it was her duty as a physician to show us his brain. Partly to put our minds at ease but also to show us a couple of "spots". Yes, Hayden has some "spots" on his brain that are indicative of a brain injury (something we agreed not to really talk about or tell him when he's older...so this blog is where this will remain hah!). However, she explained to us that these spots were so incredibly small. She related these spots as scars on his brain. Most likely caused by lack of oxygen in the womb. She told us it was as if he fell and "scratched" his brain. She told us that most newborn babies has these same exact "spots" but the only reason we know about Hayden's is because he had a brain scan. She told us even healthy babies with no NICU time will have these same "injuries". She told us this all in such a soft spoken and calming way. I asked her if this would affect him as he grew at all and she told us Hayden had the same chances of developmental issues that any other baby did and that this would not increase his chances. It was such a relief to hear, but of course I still worried.
One minute we were told he would not live a normal life. The next minute we were told his swelling was miraculously gone. The next we were told he, in fact, did have minor injuries. So, as you can imagine, I was pretty much bracing myself for the next wave of bad news. It was really hard to continue on with hope that he would be fine.
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| His new bassinet |
The next day I arrived just in time for rounds. I waited my turn as all the nurses were gathered around the desks outside of Hayden's room. Our door was closed and usually a couple nurses and the doctor would come in to our room once it was our turn. But this day was different. One of the nurses came in and asked if I would like to go and sit out with them and listen to the doctors regarding Hayden. Of course I did. They pulled up a chair for me to sit in and I listened in. A lot of the information and things they were saying went way over my head. I had a hard time paying attention. Then I heard the doctor say "So, the Shaw baby...how is he doing overall?" and each nurse said he was great. The doctor then said, "Well, I don't see why he can't go home tomorrow!". It was such a surprise. Especially because they never really gave me an estimate of when he would come home. They all looked at me and the doctor asked "Are you okay with that, mom?" I don't even think I said a word. I just shook my head as tears poured down my face.
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| Car seat test |
Well, when the audiologist came back, he once again, broke my heart. Hayden had failed his hearing test. But not only that, the hearing guy told me he detected some hearing loss and wanted us to come back a couple weeks later for a retest. That wasn't the news I really wanted to hear. But, I still got to go home and part of me thought the guy just didn't do it right or something. So, I let it go and started to prepare for my little baby to come home. And the day we brought him home was GLORIOUS. We were a family. We could finally start our new life together as a family of 3.
. . .
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| Hearing Test |
As the days passed on leading up to his next hearing appointment, I noticed a change in his hearing. He was starting to wake up to the loud noises and he was more aware all the time. In my heart, I knew there was just no way. This next appointment was at a different hospital. One that was much closer to us. It was also with two other audiologists, so I felt like maybe it would be like almost a second opinion. However, Hayden was older this time (maybe 3-4 months?) and I knew that keeping his still and getting him to fall asleep was going to be another challenge. To my surprise, he did great. He slept the whole time. The two women that were doing his test were great. They talked to me almost the whole time and kept telling me how cute Hayden was.
This appointment was much better news. The doctors told me that while he did have some hearing issues, that it was most likely related to lingering fluid in his ears. They told me that since his last hearing appointment, his hearing had improved significantly and that there was no reason to believe that he wouldn't eventually hear like normal. They said because he didn't pass this test, they were obligated to have me come back until he passed. But Brian and I thought that we had had enough. We knew he could hear us just fine and those two women really assured us that his hearing issues would most likely resolve themselves.
We were finally free. Free of doctors. Free of a million appointments. Free. All our worries were finally behind us. And it felt good.
. . .
I think Heavenly Father definitely works in mysterious ways. I'm not really the type that likes to preach and bring God into everything, but in this case, how can I not? It is so clear to me that He definitely had His hand in all of this. It was hard. I was a mess. But even still, every day we were there, I witnessed miracles happen. And not just in our room, but in the rooms around us as well. I witness a newborn baby weighing 13 lbs at birth, snuggle into her mothers arms on the daily. I witnessed a gay couple who were adopting a little girl learn of the news that she would need some time in the NICU to get her bilirubin levels under control and watched as they came every day with family and friends so they could all see how beautiful she was. I watched a little boy next door to us go home with his family after months in the NICU with a starting weight of just 1.5 pounds. I witnessed so much love. SO MUCH. I actually came to the conclusion that all those people who say to themselves "where is God?" need to come to the NICU because I am pretty sure He spends a lot of His time there.
